Well maybe not...

Okay, so we've given up the gluten free. It didn't seem to be making a difference for my son anyway - with the skin and digestion issues. And it wasn't helping me with the root of my problem...

Hello, my name is Karen, and I'm a food addict....

So, I'm back to figuring out how to help myself.

I've had a particularly bad week, and an exhausting week. It's made me really think about "triggers." There's always a lot of talk about "triggers" these days... what triggers head aches, drinking, depression, other destructive behaviors. So, I tried to pay attention all week to what was triggering my increase in compulsive over-eating.

Yesterday evening, as I proceeded to eat a Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream bar, followed by two left over buffalo chicken tenders with extra blue cheese dressing, a plate of nachos, a handful of dark chocolate Hershey kisses, and a Fresca with vodka, all in rapid succession in a short amount of time... well actually I didn't think about anything while I was in the midst of it. It was this morning, really, that I took a long hard look at it.

Stress, depression, anxiety, fear... basically all the usual triggers. And exhaustion. I definitely deal with mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion with eating. Maybe I'm trying to increase my energy, pump myself up, fill the void I feel when life beats me down, as it has done a lot lately.

But maybe, also, there is a sense of trying to survive. A kind of desperate effort to save myself. Almost as if every sense of my survival manifests itself as the possibility that I could be starving to death. I'm not surviving right now, or barely, so I have to eat eat eat before I starve.

So, then, it's not about what I eat or don't eat, but about finding another way to ensure survival without having the dependency on food.

In the meantime, I went to the grocery store to buy a muffin for breakfast and ended up buying five. But I managed to only eat one and a half. SMALL STEPS.

Making the most of rice crispy bars

Here's how I make gluten free chocolate peanut butter rice crispy bars that have been known to disappear at a party in under 15 minutes with absolutely no complaints or even recognition for the healthier approach they've taken...

In a large bowl combine gluten free cocoa rice crispy cereal, a cup of mini chocolate chips, and two scoops of gluten free whey protein powder (chocolate or vanilla flavored).

Grease a 9x12 pan with butter.

In a sauce pan, melt a stick of butter, two large spoonfuls of peanut butter, and a bag of miniature marshmellows. Keep an eye on it and stir often as it can burn to the bottom of the pan quite easily.

When the marshmellows are completely melted, pour it over the cereal and stir well, and quickly, until all of the cereal is coated and the protein powder as been completely absorbed. Pour into the greased pan and spread evenly.

I put a piece of wax paper over it and push the mixture firmly into the pan to get it even.

Allow to cool thoroughly.

Food for two ...

It's difficult tackling eating issues when you're not able to worry just about your own food. I have to buy and make food for my son, as well as myself. But when I do, I risk compulsively eating it all. As we are trying to go gluten free, I made my son gluten free chocolate peanut butter rice crispy squares. But it takes all my effort not to sit down with the tray and eat them all myself. He likes candy, but I end up eating it. And forget about potato chips and ice cream.

So, now, I have a new tact. I'm still making his rice crispy bars of course - he likes them too much for me to stop. But for most everything else I buy the flavors and varieties that he prefers, the one's that I don't like as much. Instead of candy bars, I buy him chewy candies. Instead of plan or cheese flavored chips I get him salt & vinegar. Instead of chocolate flavors of ice cream I buy him the fruity ones.

He gets his treats and I'm not the least tempted to have any myself. As for the rice crispy bars... they'll still be a daily battle.

Muffins?

My first attempt at gluten free baking was not a huge success. I used the Arrowhead Mills GF baking mix. The pancakes were good, though a slightly more granular texture than we're used to. The granola, GF chocolate peanut butter rice crispy bars, and homemade power bars all came out great! I made a blueberry bread which held together, but had the same granular texture as the pancakes and fell apart rather easily. But the rhubarb muffins didn't work at all. The taste was great, but the minute I touched them to take them out of the pan they crumbled and disentigrated into a pile of muffin dust. They seemed to hold a little better after being refrigerated for a while. But still fell apart easily. Definitely not what we'd normally call muffins.

My next big adventure is to try pizza dough, but after the muffin disaster I'm a bit nervous!