Well maybe not...

Okay, so we've given up the gluten free. It didn't seem to be making a difference for my son anyway - with the skin and digestion issues. And it wasn't helping me with the root of my problem...

Hello, my name is Karen, and I'm a food addict....

So, I'm back to figuring out how to help myself.

I've had a particularly bad week, and an exhausting week. It's made me really think about "triggers." There's always a lot of talk about "triggers" these days... what triggers head aches, drinking, depression, other destructive behaviors. So, I tried to pay attention all week to what was triggering my increase in compulsive over-eating.

Yesterday evening, as I proceeded to eat a Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream bar, followed by two left over buffalo chicken tenders with extra blue cheese dressing, a plate of nachos, a handful of dark chocolate Hershey kisses, and a Fresca with vodka, all in rapid succession in a short amount of time... well actually I didn't think about anything while I was in the midst of it. It was this morning, really, that I took a long hard look at it.

Stress, depression, anxiety, fear... basically all the usual triggers. And exhaustion. I definitely deal with mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion with eating. Maybe I'm trying to increase my energy, pump myself up, fill the void I feel when life beats me down, as it has done a lot lately.

But maybe, also, there is a sense of trying to survive. A kind of desperate effort to save myself. Almost as if every sense of my survival manifests itself as the possibility that I could be starving to death. I'm not surviving right now, or barely, so I have to eat eat eat before I starve.

So, then, it's not about what I eat or don't eat, but about finding another way to ensure survival without having the dependency on food.

In the meantime, I went to the grocery store to buy a muffin for breakfast and ended up buying five. But I managed to only eat one and a half. SMALL STEPS.

Making the most of rice crispy bars

Here's how I make gluten free chocolate peanut butter rice crispy bars that have been known to disappear at a party in under 15 minutes with absolutely no complaints or even recognition for the healthier approach they've taken...

In a large bowl combine gluten free cocoa rice crispy cereal, a cup of mini chocolate chips, and two scoops of gluten free whey protein powder (chocolate or vanilla flavored).

Grease a 9x12 pan with butter.

In a sauce pan, melt a stick of butter, two large spoonfuls of peanut butter, and a bag of miniature marshmellows. Keep an eye on it and stir often as it can burn to the bottom of the pan quite easily.

When the marshmellows are completely melted, pour it over the cereal and stir well, and quickly, until all of the cereal is coated and the protein powder as been completely absorbed. Pour into the greased pan and spread evenly.

I put a piece of wax paper over it and push the mixture firmly into the pan to get it even.

Allow to cool thoroughly.

Food for two ...

It's difficult tackling eating issues when you're not able to worry just about your own food. I have to buy and make food for my son, as well as myself. But when I do, I risk compulsively eating it all. As we are trying to go gluten free, I made my son gluten free chocolate peanut butter rice crispy squares. But it takes all my effort not to sit down with the tray and eat them all myself. He likes candy, but I end up eating it. And forget about potato chips and ice cream.

So, now, I have a new tact. I'm still making his rice crispy bars of course - he likes them too much for me to stop. But for most everything else I buy the flavors and varieties that he prefers, the one's that I don't like as much. Instead of candy bars, I buy him chewy candies. Instead of plan or cheese flavored chips I get him salt & vinegar. Instead of chocolate flavors of ice cream I buy him the fruity ones.

He gets his treats and I'm not the least tempted to have any myself. As for the rice crispy bars... they'll still be a daily battle.

Muffins?

My first attempt at gluten free baking was not a huge success. I used the Arrowhead Mills GF baking mix. The pancakes were good, though a slightly more granular texture than we're used to. The granola, GF chocolate peanut butter rice crispy bars, and homemade power bars all came out great! I made a blueberry bread which held together, but had the same granular texture as the pancakes and fell apart rather easily. But the rhubarb muffins didn't work at all. The taste was great, but the minute I touched them to take them out of the pan they crumbled and disentigrated into a pile of muffin dust. They seemed to hold a little better after being refrigerated for a while. But still fell apart easily. Definitely not what we'd normally call muffins.

My next big adventure is to try pizza dough, but after the muffin disaster I'm a bit nervous!

100 Calorie Packs

I like to eat. I've already said that. And sometimes I can be very compulsive about it. More times that I care to admit, I've sat down to have one or a couple of something and ended up surprised to discover I'd finished the whole package.

But I discovered a way to control the compulsiveness...

Each morning I measure and package 100 calorie increments of a variety of foods. I aim to put together 10-12 different things, covering the different food groups, as well as a few treat. I pack it all into a nifty, and pretty, lunch bag and keep with with me wherever I go.

So, if I'm running errands and I get the urge to eat, I can pull something out of my bag. If I'm driven to eat, eat, eat I can pull several items out of the bag. But that's all I have with me for the day, until dinner time. I can't accidentally polish off an entire package of anything and I'm not as tempted to stop and buy junk food if I already have stuff with me.

Some of my favorites...
12 cheddar cheese mini rice cakes
9 kalamata olives
4 dark chocolate Hershey Kisses
1 sliced Granny Smith apple
a small container of grilled chicken
1 mozzarella string cheese
a small container of watermelon cubes
a small container of berries
9 slices of low-fat black forest ham
low fat yogurt
steamed broccoli with vinaigrette
small baggy of baby carrots

Buzz Bomb

I met a great guy today at the Exeter Farmers' Market (NH). He owns Buzz Bomb World Spice Blends in North Hampton, NH. They have a nice variety of spice blends that are organic and gluten free. And he bakes gluten free breads, muffins, cookies, granola, and more. The brownies are amazing - gooey and fudgey. I can't wait to try more. The website is www.buzzbombspiceblends.com but the baked goods aren't on the website. So if you're on or around the seacoast of NH and looking for deliscious gluten free treats check out one of the farmers' markets or visit Buzz Bomb on Lafyette Road (Rt. 1) near the state licquer store.

It's Not a License to EAT

We're still making the shift to gluten free... having decided that it would be easier and far more economically feasible to do a gradual shift rather than cold turkey. And since we don't have any specific diagnosis at this point, there was no real reason to make the switch all at once. But I am limiting the shit to one week.

As a recovering food addict, one thing has become clear very quickly. Eating "healthier" and eating gluten free are not automatically licenses to EAT EAT EAT. Some part of my subconscious has been very comfortably thinking "oh good, it's gluten free (or organic or healthy or...) so I can eat as much as I want." And, of course, at this point in my life, I've become quite good at letting that little justification voice rule the roost.

But seriously... Lay's Ripple Potato Chips and Edy's Peanut Butter Cup ice cream are both totally gluten free! And, unfortunately, I still shouldn't sit down and eat a whole bag or bucket of either one of them.

It's critical to keep an eye on the big picture at all times. Many gluten free products still contain some of the other ingredients on our list... Corn syrup being the predominant one. And moderation must still be maintained. It can't be about making one change and throwing all the others out the window.

Man it's hard work! And a huge disappointment to that little justification voice!

What is that Alphabet Soup in My Chocolate

In my ingredient search to identify and illuminate sources of gluten, I came across a string of letters listed in the ingredients of my Dove Dark Chocolate with Cranberries and Almonds. TBHQ.

Of course, I turned immediately to Google.

It turns out TBHQ (Tertiary Butyl Hydroquinone) is an antioxidant additive, used to help preserve freshness, derived from petroleum. That’s right. That’s what I said. It’s a petroleum product, and it’s in my chocolate bar! It’s basically butane, lighter fluid. Yuck. And I hate to ruin anyone’s day, but it appears to also be an ingredient in McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets.

Needless to say, TBHQ has now been added to my list of food ingredients to avoid.

An Attack on Psoriasis

My son suffers from severe dry skin, including psoriasis on his scalp, dry flaking eyelids, and dry patches around his ears that tend to crack and bleed. He’s 12 ½, pretty much a teen, and super conscious of his appearance. But he’s still not great about taking care of himself. So helping him handle these issues has been a challenge.

He’s started showering and washing his hair every day. He uses Neutrogena T-Gel and a shampoo from Hawaii with moisturizing oils. And he puts Vaseline intensive care lotion around his ears. The lotion helps the dryness around the ears, but we’ve had no luck getting a handle on the psoriasis.

Research I’ve been able to dig up recently (with the help of my friend Laurel who is into all things healthy and natural) seems to indicate that psoriasis and skin issues can be linked to gluten intolerance, and can also be improved by adding fish oils to your diet.

So we now have a new quest to follow, and a newly expanded list of ingredients to avoid. I’ve added the following to my initial list of ingredients to avoid: wheat, barley, rye, oats, gluten starches, and gluten stabilizers.

Although, confession time, I will use what we have first – gluten or no gluten – since I can’t afford to waste and replace it all. Luckily we don’t have much in the house right now. But I am mourning the impending loss of bread… one of my favorite foods.

I'm turning gluten-free
I think I'm turning gluten-free
I really think so
Turning gluten-free
I think I'm turning gluten-free
I really think so
I'm turning gluten-free
I think I'm turning gluten-free

How I Got Started

I confess – I love food. Always have, always will. And, quite frankly, it’s pretty obvious. My relationship with food, even when I was a kid, has always been a rocky one. And, while I’m putting it all out there and confessing, I never really cared all that much how dysfunctional my food relationship was. It was what it was. I love food. It makes me happy, and comforts me.

But then I turned forty, and I had a sudden desire to really start taking care of myself. I got checked out by my doctor – other than the need to lose some weight, I was healthy. I started doing Tai Chi regularly, and walking not so regularly. And I started to think about what I was eating.

Yikes!

It all began to hit home when I watched Dr. Oz on Oprah one day. He had a bucket of margarine, which he squeezed in his fist, and said that’s what it was doing to the arteries as well. I was horrified, and immediately made the switch to butter only. I sat, intently listening to all his recommendations, and committed to memory Dr. Oz’s list of ingredients to avoid. And then I added a few of my own.

Here’s the list I started with – No foods with any of the following: sugar in the first five ingredients, corn syrup, hydrogenated oils, bleached flour, lard, artificial sweeteners, or MSG.

But I don’t like to be deprived, even if I’m the one depriving myself. I need some flexibility and a little wiggle room. So I aimed to succeed at least 75% of the time.

For me, being addicted to food is in a large part about flavor. I’m addicted to flavor. And sometimes it takes a lot of food to be satisfied with the flavor. I’ve always loved flavored non-dairy coffee creamers for this reason. They have quite a lot of flavor packed into a single cup of coffee. But I gave them up. They’re basically just corn syrup with artificial colors and flavors after all. Instead, I now punch up the flavor of my coffee by using espresso beans fine ground for my automatic drip machine. It makes a strong flavorful cup, and avoids the corn syrup.

And that was my start…